Don't be fooled.

As I sit here and think about the last two years (yes it's been two years, in fact we hit the two year mark on February 25, 2014) and the fact that we are still waiting for our babies to arrive I have so many thoughts swirling around in my head and I don't even know where to begin.  So I'll just start with an update.

Our paperwork is currently in USCIS in Haiti awaiting I-600 approval, that means our paperwork is now in US hands.  Once we have the I-600 approval we will then need to wait for the visas to be issued, once that is done we get the go ahead to go pick up our kiddos and finally bring them home.  Our paperwork has been in USCIS for seven weeks this Friday March 7.  That sounds like a long time and it is but they have a backlog of dossiers which is a good thing because that means there are a lot of kids real close to being united with their forever families.  Patience...

I was doing okay up until about two weeks ago.  The news of one family getting their I-600 approval sent me into spontaneous praises to God.  That could only have come from God as I was leaning into Jesus but as I've said many times, lately, during this process the flesh is a tough contender and when I heard that the family whose paperwork was submitted to USCIS on the same day as ours got their approval at the five week mark I gave in to my selfish and sinful ways.

It didn't happen right away, it was gradual but I could feel it and I chose to allow it to sneak in and take root.   All the while my LORD was standing by at the ready to help me in my time of need but I chose instead to wallow in my bitterness about how long this was taking, how unfair it all is, and how could it possibly be taking this long, and of course why didn't we get our approval too?  Of course I was happy for the family, how could I not be but I was beginning to feel sorry for myself and how unfair it all is.

I chose not to trust in my LORD and Saviour the One who loves those kids more than I ever could, the One who knows infinitely more than I do and who has this whole thing already worked out.  I stopped listening to reason and instead listened to myself.  I ignored the God who holds all life in His hands, regardless of what we think or believe.  What a mistake that was, what a mistake that always is!

But as I had my wee tantrum and pity party God in His infinite mercy and grace chose to give me a glimpse of what He is doing.  This whole adoption is not about me, obviously, it's not even about the kiddos, it's about so much more than that, it's about Him, Him and His plan, His plan for the redemption of His creation.  He loves us all so much more than we could ever imagine and the "Good News" the Gospel message is one that we need to cling to every minute of every day.  It's not just a one time thing, it's something that we need on a daily basis.  We need to continually go back to the Gospel message.  There we find the authour and perfecter of our faith and that's where we find the "everything" we're so desperately looking for.  When we find ourselves in Christ every minute of the day life seems more manageable, not easier for when we say Yes to Jesus that doesn't mean life on easy street, in fact it often times means just the opposite.

I'm not saying it's not okay to cry or be sad or mad or whatever emotion you're feeling, because our emotions are certainly real and God gave them to us but we mustn't base our decisions on them and react to them in a way that is inappropriate, which is what I was doing.  I should have stopped at the crying part, leaned back into Jesus and carried on trusting that His timing is perfect but I didn't and I didn't believe at that time that His timing is perfect, I knew it but I chose not to believe it.  But because God isn't like us, He chose to love me anyway, even in my nasty tantrum, and He decided to give me a tangible reminder of how GREAT He is and still I don't even have a clue of how truly great He is.

God's encouragement in a letter...
On Monday, March 3, I received a hand written letter from a dear friend from the Milwaukee area (you know who you are!) in the mail.  As I sat at the table with my kiddos I read the letter that was to be the turning point for my bad attitude.  Tears welled up in my eyes and I couldn't speak.  She is following our journey and wanted to let me know that she is thinking of us.  I felt ashamed for my bad behaviour and thankful for such an amazing God that in my sin He still reaches down and shows us that He has this, He's got it all covered, and the He's not done yet.  He used that letter and my friend to bless me in a way that was just so needed.  Wow........

So please don't be fooled.  As far as patience goes, I don't have any, ANY, I by nature am not patient so please don't read my blog and see this patient woman, enduring these two long years patiently, I haven't.  I've cried, I've shouted at my kids in frustration, I've held grudges against my husband for no other reason other than that he walked into the house in a good mood when I wasn't, yes that really happened :(, I've felt sorry for myself, I've doubted myself as a mother, every emotion you have had, I've had it too.  AND I've tried to control parts of this adoption which is just so ridiculous to even think about!  We're all the same, we're all sinners in need of the one true God.  I'm so thankful that God in His grace chose to use this sinful family to show His grace to those around us.  I hope that's what you see when you read this blog.

Thanks for following along and for praying.  Please continue to pray these precious souls home and pray that I would have the patience that can only come from Jesus!

Please don't tell me your adoption horror stories.

I have a wee rant to go on.  If you talk to me about our adoption please, please, don't launch into the adoption horror story of your friend's, cousin's, sister in law's.  It's extremely insensitive, very discouraging, and just down right rude.

If I came up to you and said I was pregnant I'm pretty sure you wouldn't be so quick to tell me about the dear friend of yours who just lost a baby to miscarriage or still birth.  I'm sure you would congratulate me and share in my joy.  If you have a question about adoption please go ahead and ask, I am more than willing to help you understand why we are doing this and will do my best to answer your questions about adoption.  There are some questions specifically related to our adoption that I will not answer due to the sensitive nature of our children's background but don't be offended, I'm protecting my children, not trying to exclude you.  Ask but don't expect intimate details about certain topics, specifically my children's past.

And just in case you were wondering, I do know that there are horror stories out there and I am not blind to the fact that there will be issues or as some may say "baggage" related to an adopted child.  But there are issues with all children, adopted and biological.  It's just different issues that need to be handled differently.  And the LORD knows that even I have "baggage", heck we all do!

Passports!

Our kiddos have their passports!!!  We are finally in the home stretch.  Our paperwork was to be submitted to USCIS in Haiti on Tuesday January 14 so LORD willing that did indeed happen.  Once USCIS approves the files we will receive an e-mail from them informing us of the approval and then we will hopefully receive the date to go and pick our kids up!!!!!  I still don't have a definite time frame but LORD willing it's soon.

Please keep praying for the many children still waiting for a home.

Missions Trip, Blessings, & Confessions Part II

Here is part II of our mission adventure.  I'll try to pick up where I left off.  The whole team had an emotional week but the Nanny asking me to take the kids back to the Guest House with me set the tone for my emotions for the rest of the week.

I struggled back and forth all week with all sorts of wrong thoughts.  What kind of a person am I?   Are we doing the right thing?  Is this a mistake?  I'm not cut out for this.   What am I doing?   I was all over the place.  When we came home I talked with Joe about it all and he pointed me right back the WORD of GOD.  Of course we're doing the right thing and just look at the hand of God throughout this entire process, there is no doubt that we are doing the right thing.  Satan found a weak spot and did all he could to discourage me and plant seeds of doubt.  If not for Jesus I would have completely succumbed to the flesh a long time ago.

What this shows me is that God is NOT in the business of using perfect people.  We don't have to have it all together to be used by God.   He uses sinners like me to show that He is great.  All I need to do is follow Him each minute of the day because without Him I am nothing, I have nothing to offer without Jesus and knowing that makes everything possible because it's only in Him that I can do anything.

We had some great days at the orphanage and were able to share the Gospel bead bracelet with the kids and the staff.  In case you don't know what these are here is what each bead on the bracelet means:

The black bead reminds us that our SIN (bad choices and actions) deserves punishment.  That means we cannot have a relationship with God.

But God wants to have a relationship with us!  The red heart bead reminds us of God's great LOVE.  He gave His Son, Jesus, to take our punishment.  Jesus shed His BLOOD and died to take our sin away.

The white bead reminds us that Jesus' FORGIVENESS takes away our sin making us pure-whiter than SNOW.

The Blue bead reminds us that when Jesus rose again and passed through the SKY to heaven, He sent us His HOLY SPIRIT to be our friend, counselor, and helper in this life.  He will never leave us.

The green bead reminds us we need three things to GROW spiritually -

1. Prayer
2. Time in God's Word (Bible)
3. Fellowship with other believers.

The yellow bead reminds us of the "STREETS OF GOLD" - the promise of living with God forever (with no sorrow) in Heaven after we die.

The butterfly tying it together represents the transformation that takes place in our lives when we accept God's forgiveness.  He makes us a NEW CREATION - The ugly caterpillar is transformed into a beautiful butterfly!

The team and our wonderful translators.

We were also able to bring down two Jesus Story Book Bibles in Haitian Creole which were sold out but we were able to get two with expedited shipping which arrived in time for us to take them.  This was truly a God thing because the next publication wasn't going to be available until October 1, we left on September 29!!!  As well as the Story Book Bibles we had two cases of books in Haitian Creole that we were blessed with free of charge that weren't meant to arrive until after we left.  But that's human timing and our God is far greater than time and those also arrived just in time!!!  The two books we took and were able to hand out to many people while we were there are Jesus + Nothing = Everything by Tullian Chi-Vi-Jin and Fifty Reasons Why Jesus Came to Die by John Piper.

Because of the Jesus Story Book Bible being in Haitian Creole, the older kids were able to read it to the younger kids and they were captivated by it.  

On one occasion Lisa was reading with a small group of older kids and one of the girls told her she wanted to pray!!!  She accepted the LORD right there and then due to that story book.  Praise the LORD!

Check her out smiling in the back there with Lisa!

We learned how to sing Jesus Loves Me in Haitian Creole which the kids got a kick out of.  They already know it in English so they knew the tune.  That was fun.  We were able to love on the kids each day and hopefully they saw the love of Christ in all we did.

My dear friend went down with ideas in her head of what her week was going to look too and God just rocked her world.  She fell in love with some certain kiddos and she and her family are now in the process of adopting to add a fourth child to their family.  It's so exciting to see them go through this process and I can't wait to meet the newest addition to their family!

As I sit here thinking about my kiddos I'm in awe of how God works and I can't wait to see what He will do with our family.  I am greatly anticipating "that" phone call with the date of our "Gotcha Day" and I trust that God has it all figured out no matter what may come our way.  Again, thank you for praying for us and following along on this emotional roller coaster.

May God richly bless you as you celebrate this Christmas season.

Missions Trip, Blessings, & Confessions

I don't even know where to begin so bear with me this could be a long one...

Not only was I blessed with the opportunity to go on a missions trip with four other people from our church, one of whom is one of my closest girlfriends, but I got to see my kids again!!!

I have so many wonderful stories to share.  I'll start with a followup from our last trip.  In one of my previous posts I mentioned that I didn't feel safe in Haiti and that I didn't find the Haitian people to be all that friendly.  I tend to smile and say Hi to people, all the time, and Haiti was no exception.  Last trip I gave up because I didn't get any response from most people.  This time I decided to give it another go and to my amazement it was totally different.  Almost everyone I waved to or smiled at, either waved or smiled back, gave a head nod, or acknowledged us in some way.  It was a wonderful thing.  I have to wonder if the location had anything to do with it as that was the only thing that was different.  I'm pretty sure we were staying in a MUCH nicer part of town.  That brings me to the Guest House.....

Wow, very nice place and wonderful hosts.  Thanks so much to Tim and Aimme Wilson who made us feel so welcome and taken care of.  Very nice accommodations and amazing views of Haiti.

 Check out the foreground as well as 

the background in these two!!!

On our second day in Haiti we were on our way to the Orphanage and were almost there when our truck died in the middle of the road.  Fortunately it started again and we made it to a gas station.  Phew...off we went, or so we thought, it chugged and spluttered again and again it died but this time we pulled off the road.  This happened a number of times and we were praying we would make it and not be stranded.  We were almost to the turn off road to the Orphanage and we decided to pray out loud that we wouldn't break down on that road because our driver on the last trip to Haiti wouldn't allow us to walk that road due to there being a gang that he had heard of living down there somewhere and he didn't know who they were of where they were but he wasn't about to let us walk!  This wasn't a road we wanted to be stuck on.  We prayed and I kid you not, that truck drove us up to the door of the Orphanage and then never started again!!!  Needless to say we had to get alternative transportation home that day.  Our God is Mighty!

 Broken Truck...

New Truck!  (Next day)

This was an emotionally charged trip for me and on Monday when one of the Nannies told me I could take the kids back to the Guest House with me for the week I think I almost had a heart attack, right there on the spot.  She must have seen the look of shear shock and panic written all over my face, I think I sat there looking at here for about 1 full minute before I actually came to my senses and said to the translator "What did she say?"  Gathering my composure I replied, very cool, calm, and collected like, "Umm....well.....is that even allowed....I mean can I just take them.....???"  "I'll have to check with someone about that.......I mean....really....you want me to take them?"  Well I didn't know what to do.  I was completely taken aback, completely unprepared for such a situation, and to top it all off MY HUSBAND WASN'T THERE!!!!!!!  I was about to freak out.  I should have been excited at the prospect, but I wasn't and I struggled with that.  That night Aimee said don't worry I'll text Michelle and see if she thinks it's okay.  Well Michelle replied back and said, why yes of course you can, if the orphanage approached you, sure you can.  Not what I wanted to hear.  You may be wondering at this point why on earth didn't I want to have my kids with me for the week and you would be right to think that but let me just tell you what I was feeling in that moment of shear shock and panic....

Here I am on a "Mission Trip" to the Orphanage I'm adopting two precious children from (which, by the way I can't wait to bring home) without my husband.  I had ideas of what the week was going to look like and it was a HUGE bonus that I got to spend the days at the Orphanage with my kids.  I've met my kids once, my boy is afraid to even venture out of the safety of his wee room, he keeps getting told this white woman is his Mama, which clearly in his almost two year old mind is just absurd, and our four year old daughter, I can't even begin to imagine what she's thinking about this whole crazy situation.  

So you've got an emotional adopting Mama without her hubby, two kids she doesn't really even know (let alone know how to communicate with) and they don't know her either and now you want me to take them back at the end of an exhausting day?  I didn't bring anything for them to wear, I had no snacks or anything necessary for taking care of kids.  It was something I was completely unprepared for and then at the end of the week what will I say to the kids?  Oh, nice seeing ya, we spent days and nights together but now I'm outta here?  I just wasn't mentally in the right frame of mind to do that.  If Joe had been there, I think it would have been a completely different story but I didn't think I could handle that alone.  Thankfully God didn't either because no one asked me again the entire week.  The next time we go down I'll be prepared for such a situation and I'm waiting with great expectation on the LORD's timing for that day.  

I've just bared my soul to you, I've been transparent with you about some feelings I struggled with because I want you to know that I'm human, I have emotions and sin in my life and I'm not a good person.  I'm a person saved by the blood of Jesus Christ.  Anything "good" that you see has to be about Jesus and not me, I have nothing to offer without Jesus, this is not something that Joe and I are doing out of the "goodness of our hearts".  I don't have it all together as some may think.  I may look good from the outside, like I have it all together with my three wee kiddies and two on the way, homeschooling, housekeeping, I could go on and on it sounds so lovely doesn't it?  But I'm here to tell you that I don't have it all together.....not.....at.....all.  I'm broken, weak, and struggling in the battle.  Life is hard, parenting is hard, marriage is hard, and adopting is hard.  BUT I have hope.  I have hope that God knows exactly what He's doing and in trusting Him minute by minute, I will know what to do with each and every day of my life.  So I will follow Him as He leads and I will cry out and ask each day, (multiple times) "LORD what do you want me to do today, now, right this minute", because that's what it means to walk in the Spirit.  Any strength I have comes from Him, if not for the Holy Spirit I would have succumbed to the flesh long ago, I am weak.  There is such freedom in knowing that I don't have to have it all figured out.  I only have to follow God right now in the present, I don't need to concern myself with tomorrow or any other day, other than today.  So join me in the journey, let us follow hard after Jesus, the one to whom all blessing and honour and praise belong for it is He that is Holy and worthy to be praised!

This got way longer than I anticipated and I have so much more to share so...

To be continued.......

!News Flash!

Our Dossier has moved on into the next phase!!!  Is is no longer in MOI (Ministry of Interior).  I really don't know exactly where it is right now but we will soon enter into the passports phase and you all know what that means.....

Whoop Whoooooooooooooop!!!!!!!

How to Help Families when they bring their Child Home

Here is a good article for us all.  When the kids come home they are our priority but that doesn't mean we don't still love you all, we do!  I'm trying to get as much info. as possible before the big day arrives so if you come across anything worth while let me know!

Will do another update soon including info. about our exciting mission trip to Haiti in 20 more sleeps!!!

http://dreamingbigdreams.net/2013/09/09/how-to-help-families-when-they-bring-their-child-home/